I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
