K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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