I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
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