he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
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you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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