she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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