Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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