My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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