just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
