So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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