the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sext me about skeletons
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
