2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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