We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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