Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
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I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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