You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
