a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
