Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
