i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
