Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
