Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
