I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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