Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
