I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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