No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize