seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
