I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
