the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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