Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
