We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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