I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
