I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
