We're facebook friends in real life
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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