I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
