the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
