You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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