I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
