When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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