I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
