Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
