I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
