One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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