One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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