Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
