Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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