I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
