the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
