Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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