I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
