His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
