cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize