I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
