Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
