I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
