just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
