Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
