I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
