I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
