I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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